Deja Ernie
or
Double Ernie
Hello! Me again. Well, it seems I have to write another chapter in the Ernie Chronicles.
Good ol' Ernie. Just can't get enough of him. Always popping up at the wrong time.
So, Ernie and I are over at his place, sitting in the backyard, drinking brewskies, barbecuing
steaks like you see in beer commercials, minus the babes and the dog with the frisbee. Then,
guess who comes over? That's right, you guessed it. Ernie.
Now I'm staring at two, yes, two Ernie's, when I have this feeling that, either I drank two too
many beers, or the universe is coming to an end. The second seems more likely.
Well, Ernie (the second) says, "Hi!" Ernie (the first) says, "Hi!" And I don't say anything. I
do the typical "look at what I'm drinking and pretend that someone must have put something in it
to make me hallucinate."
Ernie (the second Ernie) starts saying, "Two days from now, at around two o'clock, this old
man will come to Ernie's (that is, the first Ernie's) house and tell him he'll let Ernie (the first) travel
through time.
I faint.
I come to, to Ernie and Ernie standing over me dripping the juice from the steaks on my face.
This makes me faint a second time. I've fainted twice in two minutes, while two Ernie's sat in
two lawn chairs and ate two steaks each. What a mouthful!
When I come around again, Ernie (the second) continues, "The guy gave me a watch which
kept track of the time for two days. First, I could travel anywhere I wanted, anywhen I wanted.
But after two days, I would have to go back to the exact moment I left."
This all seems a little too much for me, but Ernie (the second) continues. "So I decided to
travel two days back in time. But, now, instead, in two days I'll meet the guy who is going to
offer the time-travel bit, but turn him down. Then, afterwards, I'll travel back to my point of
origin. Since I traveled back two days, and the watch was good for two days, I will go back to
my original starting point, which will be right where I am in two days."
This was way too intense for me, so I faint two more times. Follow this: since Ernie number
two will travel back to right where he is, and number one won't travel at all, the result will be two
Ernies.
Yes, that's right, two Ernies. The end of the universe.
I drink two more beers, for this is too much to handle for the two sides of my brain. Ernie
(the first) agrees with the plan. He's pretty casual about the whole affair. Ernie was pretty casual
the morning a drunk driver drove his car threw his front door. Ernie offered him a cup of coffee
before the cops took him (the drunk) away.
To make a long story longer, the two Ernies wait for the two days. I'm in the house with the
first Ernie. The second is outside, talking with the moron who wants to give Ernie the power to
travel through time. Apparently, all goes well. The old man leaves after the second Ernie refuses
him twice.
Ernie number two comes into the house, has a beer with us, then says, "Goodbye." He stands
back in the middle of the room where he said he left from. He shakes Ernie's (number one's)
hand and says, "I'll see you in two seconds."
Then he fades before my eyes.
Then, two seconds later, he materializes in front of me and, for the second time in two days, I
look at what I'm drinking to see if someone put something in it to make me hallucinate. I faint
two more times.
It had happened. The universe now has to deal with two Ernies.
They shake hands and start talking about Ernie stuff. It's so weird seeing someone agree with
Ernie. Two people that think Jimmy Carter was the greatest president and that The Beatles
should never have been signed to a record deal.
I don't know what to say for two hours, but what more could I do? So, I finally say, "Ernie
and Ernie, let's say se go down to The Twenty-Second Club on 42nd Street and I'll
buy you both a couple of beers." The two of them agree, of course...
To be continued...